Firstly, let's get it straight what I mean about driving - we're talking about the big stick and knocking the ball as far as physically possible. Heroic shots travelling obscene distances. No dainty strategy. No holding back.
I was always a decent club driver - 250 yards no problem, even with my old school laminate #1 - but my tee shots were transformed with the three hours of revelation that I spent with renegade Shaolin monk and big drive guru Tony Ying at his Shaolin Golf Academy in Dewsbury. It's here, amongst the tangerine plus fours and wispy aromatic swirls of joss stick smoke, that Tony applies what he learned at the Shaolin temple in the Chinese province of Henan to the game of golf. Though standing little above five feet, and often playing without shoes or socks, I have seen Tony knock his drives over five hundred yards, no bother, once even greening the 573 yard par 5 4th hole at Waterton Park near Wakefield from the white markers. Believe me – he clouts it
Tony considers the golf drive to be one of the martial arts and it's from this basic premise that I learned to channel my aggression through my driver. Tony taught me that, by the act of meditation, emotions can be directed through the muscles to create latent power. This power is then focused on a distinct point with an end objective in mind.
The first stage in the process is preparation. As you stride onto the tee prepare yourself for the shot. Stand over the ball and enter a trance state. My advice is to consider all the stresses of the day, the petty injustices of your boss at work, the infidelities of a partner or friends. I channel all my frustrations and anger into this moment, chiefly the messy divorce I went through a few years ago and my abiding feelings regarding my blood-sucking slut of a an ex-wife, Sandra. Once you build up the power you can almost feel the pent up energy shivering through your body. It's then that nature demands that you release that power. In this case the focus for release is the ball. The objective is to send the ball down the fairway to a point. Always aim for the flag no matter how unfeasible others might think your ambition is. Remember - power, focus, objective. Get angry, build up frustration - and then do something about it. Let bloody rip. With practice you'll be pitching your drives over 300 yards.
Take that, you bitch!
